This is my first time to do a blog , but I feel like our story is great enough to share with everyone. In October of 2009 our lives changed forever. We took each other on as husband and wife! It was so exciting being a newly wed couple. It felt like it took us forever to finally get married. We put off our wedding for almost THREE YEARS. People always say once you get the ring , why wait? Well we just thought we were ready to take on this big bad world. And boy were we wrong. We called our wedding off 28 days before we were to say "I DO". Crazy? I know! Thankfully my mom didn't kill me for letting her spend all of that money knowing I was NOT ready for MARRIAGE! We put our wedding on hold for a whole year after that. We needed that time to grow and mature. When we started planning our wedding AGAIN it was AMAZING, and just like it should have been. We got married on October 3, 2009. That was the absolute best day of my life.
You always hear people telling you that marriage is a FULL TIME JOB. I had no idea what they were talking about ,the first week of my marriage was amazing. I woke up everyday thinking those people were crazy. I thought Cody and I were going to have this picture perfect marriage with the white picket fence and the three children playing in the yard. Man was I wrong yet again. The first month into marriage Cody and I started trying to have a BABY! It was the most exciting thing ever. We had our perfect marriage and soon we would have the most perfect baby!!! We didn't know what the road ahead had in store for us.
Six months down the road and way too many pregnancy test later , we finally got the POSITIVE we were waiting on. I couldn't help myself I called my mom ,dad, and sisters. Of course they rushed over to see who could post it on FACEBOOK first. Cody called his parents over to tell them they would be grand parents for the FIRST time. We were so excited. I called the doctor first thing the next morning to make my first prenatal appointment. I informed them that I had taken 8 pregnancy test and they were all POSITIVE. After five days of excitement , we woke up to the most horrible day that I never thought exsist! I was miscarrying. It was so devistating. I was so sad. People who have had miscarriages before can tell you it is not easy for the woman. The minute you get your first positive pregnancy test you are in love with that baby. You have a baby growing inside of you no matter if you haven't seen it on a ultrasound or felt it in your belly. It was so hard to understand that Cody didn't have the same attachment that I did. Even though I know it hurt him I thought I was the only one in pain.
We didn't give up. We started trying again. It took another six months to get our next positive pregnancy test. It was exciting , but not as exciting as our first. We just knew it would all work out. We just knew God wouldn't make us go through that pain again. It was exciting we made it further than our first pregnancy, but little did we know making it a few more weeks than the last didn't mean we were out of the woods. My HCG levels were rising which was great. I did another blood test and could not wait to hear back from the dr's nurse to let me know how high my numbers had gotten. When my phone rang my heart was beating out of my chest. I just knew it would work this time and we would have a precious baby nine months later. When I answered my phone and it was the DR's voice on the other end of the line , I knew something was wrong. My numbers were dropping. They sent me home to get off of my feet and hopefully by the grace of God my numbers would rise. Sadly they didn't and we had our second miscarriage. It was so devistating because I just knew God wouldn't have done this to me again.
After my second miscarriage I shut myself out from so much. I wouldn't attend baby showers. Going to the hospital to see new babies was like a knife in my heart. I cried all the time and I felt like Cody had no feelings at all. I was losing my mind. I would get so mad when I would hear of people having babies whom I did not think were good enough to be mommies. I filled my head with everything I GOOGLED about miscarriages. I didn't realize what I was doing to my MARRIAGE. As the months went on I got more and more depressed. I didn't understand WHY God would give some people babies and not ME. I don't know why I thought I was more deserving than others, but I did. I didn't understand how people could abort FETUSES, because they were not a FETUS they were a BABY. When people abort babies they do not realize that by time they find out they are pregnant and make the decision to abort the baby. It has a heart beat and is way more than just a FETUS. But there are some things I will never know.
Before I found out I was pregnant for the third time I started to understand my FAITH. The thing Cody had tried to preach to me the whole time, but I wasn't listening. I was just throwing myself pitty parties. For what reason I don't know because they were not helping. God has a plan for each of us. It is not being able to fully understand that plan that is so hard for us humans sometimes.
Four months down the road when I have literally hit rock bottom, I find out I am pregnant again! I knew from the very beginning to not get excited, so I didn't. My HCG levels were not doubling. I went home and waited out the dreadful week ahead. It almost felt like after two miscarriages it didn't hurt as bad. I don't know if it was because my heart had just grown hard from all the pain or that I was finally at peace.Finally I figured out I was at peace! By growing in my FAITH I learned that God was going to be there with us every step of the way.I was realizing how great of a man my husband was. He was by my side through it all!
After the third miscarriage we made a pact that we were done trying . We had gone through more HELL in the last year and a half and we needed a break. I started to see that there were other people out there with way bigger problems than ours. At least we were healthy and alive! Cody and I began to travel. Something we had never done since we got married. We never would book vacations because we MIGHT get pregnant. We had put our life on hold for so long that it was nice to get away and just have FUN.
I was still going to go thru with some of the procedures the dr wanted to try. Six weeks down the road when it was time for the procedure, I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it because I hadn't had a cycle(TMI, I know). So I had made up my mind to call the dr and get hormones so I could have one. I have taken hormones a many of times before and boy let me tell you they make you crazy.So of course when I warn Cody that I needed to call the dr to get them he frowned. He knew what the next two weeks were going to be like for him. Since I have taken them before I knew the routine. You have to take a pregnancy test before they will give them to you. After I left my moms one night that Cody was working I stopped by Walgreens. The workers in there at this point know me and know what I am coming after. Just a little FYI before we get to the good stuff Cody and I figured up what I spent in EPT's a month and it averaged $200-$300!!!!! Do you know what I could have done with that money!!! So I get home and take my test. I leave it in the bathroom knowing it would be negative. I started picking up around the house and go back to it. And to my suprise there were two lines!!I am freaking out because my dr told me NOT TO GET PREGNANT because I would miscarry again. So I call my mom and she of course tells me to call my dr in the morning , but to call my husband also. After I blow Cody's phone up for a good 30 minutes he text me back. I tell him ITS POSITIVE and he ask what is POSITIVE. When I tell him the pregnancy test is postive he freaks out too. First thing the next morning I show up at my drs office to have my blood drawn. It comes back postitve so we make a appointment for the next week. When we go my GREAT dr tells us to keep in mind a lot can happen. With my history he was right. We still were not excited because we knew what could happen. I had my blood drawn again that day. My dr told me if my numbers would double he would put me on a shot called LOVENOX to thin my blood out so I wouldn't clot up and miscarry again. I would have to take this shot everyday for nine months in my stomach. But I didn't care I would stand on my head everyday for nine months if it meant I would get a baby in the end.I was more than excited when I recieved the phone call that not only had my numbers doubled they had tripled!! The day finally arrived that Cody and I would get to have an ultra sound. After three pregnancies we had never made it to an ultra sound. I had so much running through my head and it felt like forever before they called us back. We finally got back there and the moment had arrived and we got to see our little miracles heart beat. It was the most amazing thing ever!!!At that moment I knew why I had had three miscarriages. God put all of this in my life and took it away so I would appreciate this baby. He knew with the other three that the timing was not right and I for the first time finally realized that too.
I love every minute of being pregnant. Everytime I felt a little sick or tired I loved it because I knew my pregnancy was going strong. I made a promise that if God would give me a baby I would never take it for granted or complain. And I am trying to stick to that promise and charish everyday God gives me with this miracle.My husband has been my rock! He gives me butterflys when he is at EVERY appointment and is just as excited as I am when OUR baby is on the screen! We will welcome our miracle in DECEMBER. And I tell you what I could not have asked for a better Christmas gift! I know John-Michael has three beautiful angels watching over him. I can't wait to get the chance to meet my babies in HEAVEN one day. I will never take this life and the many blessing we are given each day for granted ever again. God is amazing and he has made a believer out of me!
