"Saving grace"

Last year around this time Cody and I were shaken by the news that we would be parents for the THIRD time. Wait lets back this up a bit. Cody and I welcomed a beautiful not so healthy baby boy December 5, 2011 . We welcomed the most beautiful little girl November 16, 2012. Yep you read that right they aren't even a year apart. Life was grand we had the whole world in the palm of our hands. Our finances were good, our jobs were great , and our kids were finally healthy. We were able to pack them up and take them wherever we went whenever we wanted to and it was a breeze. I always knew in the back of my head that I wanted a third , but I knew I wanted JM and RL to be older. I wanted the third to be the baby of the family. Little did we know we would have 3 babies of the family. I only nursed Randee-Lyn for 2 months. When she made 8 months and I began to produce milk again , I freaked out! I called the doctor immediately. Dr. Dickerson's nurse so calmly asked are you pregnant. Even though I knew there was no way (in my mind) I so politely said no I better not be. She laughed knowing we had to babies at home already. We began some blood work which all came back great. We were at a loss and had no idea what could have trigger my milk to come back. After going back to what the nurse asked I realized I was SUPER late. I snuck over to Walgreens for a pregnancy test. It was crazy for so long those were my best friend and I bought them all the time in hopes for "two pink lines" , but this time while purchasing I was sick to my stomach. I snuck back into the house making sure Cody did not lay eyes on my EPTs. I slipped into the bathroom (how I was able to sneak in the bathroom alone without a child staring at me... I don't know). As I began to take the test and noticing that dang evaporation line that tends to keep sliding on by as the pee rolls on through wasn't sliding. Nope it just stayed there along with the other pink line. The water works began. I rushed into the other room and grabbed my sister. She was shocked along with myself. Since I told her I guess it was time to tell the baby daddy lol my husband! Oh was I scared. I asked him to come into the bathroom. He walks in and pull the test out and show him. I swear he wouldn't look at it. He said and I quote "If I don't look at it then it wont be positive" not sure where he came up with that logic , but if it made him feel better. He then tells me that he is going to work 2 hours early! So many thoughts began to race through my mind. How am I going to work, how will be afford another child, who's going to take care of my kids while I work. Lets just be honest it's hard enough to find someone that will keep two more less three. Oh I was losing it. How was I going to tote around a 2 year old , 1 year old and a newborn? We pretty much freaked out for 9 months about how we were going to rearrange our lives to fit another baby in it. God has a plan for all of us. And this was indeed his plan for Cody and I. After trying for so long and going through the loss we went through after losing three babies. God definitely provided in an abundance. We are forever thankful. Of course Cody and I knew the ends and outs of what all we needed for the hospital and what all we needed to bring a baby home. Woman's hospital has literally became our second home. Dr. Dickerson and I have literally for 3 yrs seen each other every month. May came quick and we were as prepared as we could be. As always I am induced at 38 weeks due to blood thinners. I arrived super early on May 12, 2014. We settled in and the ivs were started. I just knew this delivery would be fast and easy. HELLO its my third child in two years. About 10 hours into labor with the Pitocin going strong I still was not in the pain I "SHOULD" have been in. With little to no progress I requested a exercise ball. We felt this would help TJ drop into my birth canal. I bounced around like the women you see on the birthing stories for over an hour! I was seriously shocked when there was still no progress. So I say Indian style with my feet together. To say the least Cody was getting a kick out of all the tricks I tried , but there was still no progress. I finally decided to get an epidural. I thought maybe it would ease my nerves. I got the epidural and Dr. Dickerson came to check on me. He knows me so well that he knows you don't even discuss C-section with me. Literally he knows I lose it and cry my eyeballs out at the thought. He's so sweet and broke it to me gently that my uterus had given out on me and that he suspected the cord to be around something on TJ. He gave me a time limit and after that time he said we would have no choice but to do a C-section. At this point I really didn't care. I was tired and just wanted to get it over with. I called the nurse back in 30 minutes later and told her to get Dr. Dickerson that I was ready to have a section. After discussing my decision with him he told me to wait another hour. He said there was no going back after the decision was made and he did not want any regrets. THIS IS WHY I LOVE THIS MAN! I waited another hour and when he came back in and check me he said you know what we have to do. He stepped out to get ready and people began to come into my room to explain everything to me. Did I mention we were already 17 hours into labor and we were told it would be and hour before an OR opened up! Everyone began checking me and my mom went to grab my dad so he could come see me before I went. I just remember from the time Cody suited up he never left my side or let go of my hand. He knew I was scared. They rushed my mom back in the room and made her dress quickly. Something was happening and they felt I needed to be in an OR fast. They wheeled me back and they kept me as calm as they possibly could. Cody and mom were allowed in the room and from that time on Cody never let go of my hand. During the section I had to ask Cody to please stop making faces. He was making these horrible faces , that even though I could not see what was going on I knew because of his faces. Finally the time came when they pulled TJ. He was silent . There was no cry nothing , just a blank stare on my husbands face. The cord was around TJ's neck. And then finally I was able to lay eyes on the baby that would forever change me. We have adjusted to three kids and honestly it wasn't that hard. I have a Mr. Mom and I love him so much for all he does to help me and his babies. I am beyond grateful that my children have a daddy that can do everything I can do and sometimes better. He's amazing. We laugh all the time and I always ask Cody "what were we so scared about". Tyler-James is our saving grace! I don't even know how else to describe him but to say he is our saving grace. He's amazing and beautiful. JM and RL love him so much. Never have they showed an ounce of jealousy. They only show him LOVE. Ive never seen a baby that can bring so much love into a room without saying a word. We love him and he is truly the most perfect baby. God gave him to me at just the right time. Like I said he's my saving grace! Cody and I are about to embark on our 5th year of marriage and I couldn't imagine it any other way. I don't remember life before our kids. They are our world and our life. I wouldn't trade these night in on the couch with our angels all snuggled up for anything. I am so happy that God choose us to be their parents. We shall see what the future holds and if God has anymore plans for babies for us up his sleeve!

What God has brought together no man shall separate.

October is drawing near and that means that it will make mine and Cody's 3year anniversary. Wow! I never imagined we would make it this far. Not that I had doubts about our marriage ,but because marriage is hard and so easily given up on now days. In the last three years Cody and I have been through a lot. We bought our first home , which was not the joyous process I dreamed it up to be. We suffered the loss of three babies, we had a sick child and when our sick child was two months old we were shocked with a positive pregnancy test! It could have been so easy to give up when our world around us crumbled. At times it even seemed as though the world around us was against us. Statistics say that out of every two marriages one will not make it. I have never wanted to be a statistic. It's very sad to me to see so many broken homes. I know some things happen in marriages that is hard to get past , but then I see marriages that nobody is willing to fight for. Marriage is a full time job. It's a full time job that takes a lot of commitment . When I sad my vows I not only made a promise to Cody that I would never leave I made a promise to God. Not only do I not want to break my promise to Cody I don't want to break my promise to God. Our marriage is not taken lightly. It's has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to work at. Cody and I are literally like oil and water. We have absolutely nothing in common. We do not think alike and we definitely do not act alike. We fight , but we also makeup. I think every good marriage fights. I love when I hear people say we never fight. I would love for someone to tell me how in the world do you live under the same roof as someone for 365 days out of the year and you do not disagree not once.hmmmmmm...... Not true isn't happening let's be real every good marriage has a good fight every once in awhile. I am here to tell you some of you would love to be a fly on the wall in my house. Sometimes we fight over the dumbest things , but hey it's keep us on our toes and there is never a dull moment. Ever since Cody and I met we have had to work for our relationship. It hasn't come easily. But it makes me love him even more. We don't always understand each other , buti know I don't want to put up with anyone else ,but him for the rest of my life. The hardest thing in my marriage so far was the fact that John-Michael was so sick as a new baby. It put so much stress on Cody and I. I am an emotional person as it is where as Cody shows no emotion(he's kind of dry):) so it was very hard to deal with my emotions because I think everyone should be emotional. It took us having a sick baby to re-evaluate our marriage. We had to go all the way back to October 3,2009 when we made a vow to stay together through thick and thin. We went back to what the scripture says and had to rearrange who we put first second and last. We should as scripture says put God first , then your husband or wife, then your children. Every marriage needs God. I know that is why half of the marriages now do not work. People and society have completely thrown God and the Bible out of their lives. When society started throwing Jesus out the window the world began to crumble. Keep in mind before you say "I DO" that you say it for the right reasons and not just for the flashy ring and wedding. Don't rush it. And work hard at it every single day. Remember that you make a vow to your spouse and God. And until you sign on the dotted line you are still in Gods eyes legally married and bound to that person. Do not take marriage lightly. And work on it before you decide to give up on it. People can change and we all must forgive.

Angel kisses!

As I sit and stare at john-Michael I wonder why God thought I was worthy enough to handle one of his most precious gifts. I can not explain to you the joy he has brought to my life. He has only been in my life for eight weeks , but I can not seem to remember what life was like before him! From the minute he entered this world I gave him my everything. I can honestly say that I am ok with giving up everything I used to know and all of my selfishness to give him everything and every bit of me everyday! I catch myself during the day saying I love you so many times I lose count. For every smile he cracks you can guarantee there will be a tear of joy roll down my face. I know that without a doubt everytime john-Michael is sleeping and I see him smile or grin its because OUR three angels are tickling him. I thank God everyday for my husband,parents,sisters,brothers,niece's,and JM!! They are amazing and so helpful to my little family! I never knew how beautiful life could be. I can not wait to fill our house with babies! As crazy as it seems I am ready for my next baby! It's amazing that we as humans make mistakes all the time ,but there is one thing we are capable of doing that will never be considered a mistake and that is to make a life! No matter what the circumstances bringing a life into this world will NEVER be a mistake! We are all miracles!I now know what it feels like to be able to say that without a doubt I would lay my life down for JM and I will fight for him tooth and nail! He is my life and my world . He has made me see his daddy in a whole new light! I never imagines we could love something so much! I had no idea my heart could love so powerfully! I pray that everyone gets to feel the joy I am feeling. Until next time God bless!

answered prayers!

On December 5, 2011 at 8:43 after 16 hrs of labor Dr. Dickerson held up my 7lb 11 oz miracle! I know people say that love at first sight is not real ,but for a mother its so real. I never knew I could love someone as much as I love john-Michael. It is such a powerful love , a love you would do anything for! Cody and I would have to pass over a few hurdles before we could get our little family home and settled. In the hospital we learned JM had a heart murmur. A heart murmur is a noise that is made by blood passing through a hole. A hole in your heart. The dr told us it was nothing to worry about. Little did he know! When we made it home we took JM to Dr. Talbot for his jaundice and murmur. We had no idea that his murmur would be a.blessing in disguise . Dr. Talbot assured us that murmur were normal ,but that she would like us to have a cardiologist check him out. On December 22nd I had my first heart wrenching mother experience. When we got to the office they hooked him up to the ekg machine as a normal procedure . We were then escorted into a ultra sound room so they could look at his heart. Cody and I were so naive the whole time. When the doctor came in and started talking I knew we were in for a shock. He began to tell us of JMs extra electrical shock and his abnormal heart rhythm. At that point the hole in his heart was the least of our worries. Everyone has a shock in their heart its what makes it beat, but when you have an extra shock your heart beats extremely fast. And having a uneven rhythm goes hand in hand with the racing heart. He began to put wires on JM and explained that we would leave this monitor on for a full 24hrs. It took everything inside of me not to break down and lose it right there. After the miscarriages and finding out I was pregnant with JM I always thought that I had been through enough and JM would be perfectly healthy. It never crosses your mind that something could be wrong with your angel. When the door of the drs office shut and we began to walk to the car I broke down. I cried the whole way home and everytime I changed his clothes and had to face the wires attached to my angel, my perfect angel, I cried! Cody and I had no idea that this was just a start of what the next month would.be like. As Christmas eve drew near we were so excited. Our Christmas miracle would be baby Jesus at church! But JM had oother plans in mind. Saturday morning I noticed him coughing and spitting up bottles. I did not want to over react so I called our drs offices nurse line. As I explain his symptoms the nurse urges us to go to the ER. I thought to myself come on please just give us a break in life please! So we took him in and of course I am a basket case when they inform me my child has RSV and will be admitted! They monitored JM all night. In a million years I never thought we would have stayed his first Christmas in the hospital. The next day the Dr came in and told us four words I pray I will never hear again. He told us if we took him home and did not suction him right that he"would not make it". I couldn't believe what I had just heard. At that point I knew how.serious this was. The nurse came in and taught us how to suction him and ten minutes later we were headed home for Christmas . Two days later I got a call from his cardiologist that JM needed to.start his heart meds that night and that they needed.to see him first thing in the morning. When they reviewed his.monitor they saw that JM had went in and out of episodes where his heart raced. At one point his heart rate was 360!!!!! Normal for a male baby is 140!!! It had already been a long.day of JM getting worse with the RSV and to top it off I get a call like that. As the night went on JM became so sick.I was sca4to death. I rushed him to Dr. Talbot and I knew it was back to the ER for us because she was even worried. This time we stayed for five nights. The kept him on oxygen and fluids. I never imagined I would not even be able to enjoy my baby the first month. The first month was filled with more tears than laughter. While in the hospital JM was baptized by Father. Not how we planned it but we knew if anything were to happen to our baby we would want him to be baptized. Life can slip right from your hands in the blink of an eye. Now that we finally have jm home we will continue to monitor his heart and check up with the Dr every two weeks. We are so blessed to have JM. He is the most precious example of life. I will never be able to explain the love I feel for him! I am thankful for all the prayers. They are what got me through.

Our Journey.......

This is my first time to do a blog , but I feel like our story is great enough to share with everyone.       In October of 2009 our lives changed forever. We took each other on as husband and wife! It was so exciting being a newly wed couple. It felt like it took us forever to finally get married. We put off our wedding for almost THREE YEARS. People always say once you get the ring , why wait? Well we just thought we were ready to take on this big bad world. And boy were we wrong. We called our wedding off 28 days before we were to say "I DO". Crazy? I know! Thankfully my mom didn't kill me for letting her spend all of that money knowing I was NOT ready for MARRIAGE! We put our wedding on hold for a whole year after that. We needed that time to grow and mature. When we started planning our wedding AGAIN it was AMAZING, and just like it should have been. We got married on October 3, 2009. That was the absolute best day of my life.

      You always hear people telling you that marriage is a FULL TIME JOB. I had no idea what they were talking about ,the first week of my marriage was amazing. I woke up everyday thinking those people were crazy. I thought Cody and I were going to have this picture perfect marriage with the white picket fence and the three children playing in the yard. Man was I wrong yet again. The first month into marriage Cody and I started trying to have a BABY! It was the most exciting thing ever. We had our perfect marriage and soon we would have the most perfect baby!!! We didn't know what the road ahead had in store for us.

       Six months down the road and way too many pregnancy test later , we finally got the POSITIVE we were waiting on. I couldn't help myself I called my mom ,dad, and sisters. Of course they rushed over to see who could post it on FACEBOOK first. Cody called his parents over to tell them they would be grand parents for the FIRST time. We were so excited. I called the doctor first thing the next morning to make my first prenatal appointment. I informed them that  I had taken 8 pregnancy test and they were all  POSITIVE. After five days of excitement , we woke up to the most horrible day that I never thought exsist! I was miscarrying. It was so devistating. I was so sad. People who have had miscarriages before can tell you it is not easy for the woman. The minute you get your first positive pregnancy test you are in love with that baby. You have a baby growing inside of you no matter if you haven't seen it on a ultrasound or felt it in your belly. It was so hard to understand that Cody didn't have the same attachment that  I did. Even though I know it hurt him I thought I was the only one in pain.

      We didn't give up. We started trying again. It took another six months to get our next positive pregnancy test. It was exciting , but not as exciting as our first. We just knew it would all work out. We just knew God wouldn't make us go through that pain again. It was exciting we made it further than our first pregnancy, but little did we know making it a few more weeks than the last didn't mean we were out of the woods. My HCG levels were rising which was great. I did another blood test and could not wait to hear back from the dr's nurse to let me know how high my numbers had gotten. When my phone rang my heart was beating out of my chest. I just knew it would work this time and we would have a precious baby nine months later. When I answered my phone and it was the DR's voice on the other end of the line , I knew something was wrong. My numbers were dropping. They sent me home to get off of my feet and hopefully by the grace of God my numbers would rise. Sadly they didn't and we had our second miscarriage. It was so devistating because I just knew God wouldn't have done this to me again.

       After my second miscarriage I  shut myself out from so much. I wouldn't attend baby showers. Going to the hospital to see new babies was like a knife in my heart. I cried all the time and I felt like Cody had no feelings at all. I was losing my mind. I would get so mad when I would hear of people having babies whom I did not think were good enough to be mommies. I filled my head with everything I GOOGLED about miscarriages. I didn't realize what I was doing to my MARRIAGE. As the months went on I got more and more depressed. I didn't understand WHY God would give some people babies and not ME. I don't know why I thought I was more deserving than others, but I did. I didn't understand how people could abort FETUSES, because they were not a FETUS they were a BABY. When people abort babies they do not realize that by time they find out they are pregnant and make the decision to abort the baby. It has a heart beat and is way more than just a FETUS. But there are some things I will never know.

      Before I found out I was pregnant for the third time I started to understand my FAITH. The thing Cody had tried to preach to me the whole time, but I wasn't listening. I was just throwing myself pitty parties. For what reason I don't know because they were not helping. God has a plan for each of us. It is not being able to fully understand that plan that is so hard for us humans sometimes.

      Four months down the road when I have literally hit rock bottom, I find out I am pregnant again! I knew from the very beginning to not get excited, so I didn't. My HCG levels were not doubling. I went home and waited out the dreadful week ahead. It almost felt like after two miscarriages it didn't hurt as bad. I don't know if it was because my heart had just grown hard from all the pain or that I was finally at peace.Finally I figured out I was at peace! By growing in my FAITH I learned that God was going to be there with us every step of the way.I was realizing how great of a man my husband was. He was by my side through it all!

     After the third miscarriage we made a pact that we were done trying . We had gone through more HELL in the last year and a half and  we needed a break. I started to see that there were other people out there with way bigger problems than ours. At least we were healthy and alive!  Cody and I began to travel. Something we had never done since we got married. We never would book vacations because we MIGHT get pregnant. We had put our life on hold for so long that it was nice to get away and just have FUN.

       I was still going to go thru with some of the procedures the dr wanted to try. Six weeks down the road when it was time for the procedure, I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it because I hadn't had a cycle(TMI, I know). So I had made up my mind to call the dr and get hormones so I could have one. I have taken hormones a many of times before and boy let me tell you they make you crazy.So of course when I warn Cody that  I needed to call the dr to get them he frowned. He knew what the next two weeks were going to be like for him. Since I have taken them before I knew the routine. You have to take a pregnancy test before they will give them to you. After I left my moms one night that Cody was working I stopped by Walgreens. The workers in there at this point know me and know what I am coming after. Just a little FYI before we get to the good stuff Cody and I figured up what I spent in EPT's a month and it averaged $200-$300!!!!! Do you know what I could have done with that money!!! So I get home and take my test. I leave it in the bathroom knowing it would be negative. I started picking up around the house and go back to it. And to my suprise there were two lines!!I am freaking out because my dr told me NOT TO GET PREGNANT because I would miscarry again. So I call my mom and she of course tells me to call my dr in the morning , but to call my husband also. After I blow Cody's phone up for a good 30 minutes he text me back. I tell him ITS POSITIVE and he ask what is POSITIVE. When I tell him the pregnancy test is postive he freaks out too. First thing the next morning I show up at my drs office to have my blood drawn. It comes back postitve so we make a appointment for the next week. When we go my GREAT dr tells us to keep in mind a lot can happen. With my history he was right. We still were not excited because we knew what could happen. I had my blood drawn again that day. My dr told me if my numbers would double he would put me on a shot called LOVENOX to thin my blood out so I wouldn't clot up and miscarry again. I would have to take this shot everyday for nine months in my stomach. But I didn't care I would stand on my head everyday for nine months if it meant I would get a baby in the end.I was more than excited when I recieved the phone call that not only had my numbers doubled they had tripled!! The day finally arrived that Cody and I would get to have an ultra sound. After three pregnancies we had never made it to an ultra sound. I had so much running through my head and it felt like forever before they called us back. We finally got back there and the moment had arrived and we got to see our little miracles heart beat. It was the most amazing thing ever!!!At that moment I knew why I had had three miscarriages. God put all of this in my life and took it away so I would appreciate this baby. He knew with the other three that the timing was not right and I for the first time finally realized that too.

       I love every minute of being pregnant. Everytime I felt a little sick or tired I loved it because I knew my pregnancy was going strong. I made a promise that if God would give me a baby I would never take it for granted or complain. And I am trying to stick to that promise and charish everyday God gives me with this miracle.My husband has been my rock! He gives me butterflys when he is at EVERY appointment and is just as excited as I am when OUR baby is on the screen! We will welcome our miracle in DECEMBER. And I tell you what I could not have asked for a better Christmas gift! I know John-Michael has three beautiful angels watching over him. I can't wait to get the chance to meet my babies in HEAVEN one day. I will never take this life and the many blessing we are given each day for granted ever again. God is amazing and he has made a believer out of me!